Steve's touch newsletter #8, Being Seen Through Touch

   
#8

Being Seen Through Touch

It might have been a revelation inspired by Eckhart Tolle’s words, some two decades ago. But it struck deeply then and ever since there’s barely a day in which I don’t think of this in some form: what every living creature longs for most is quite simply to be seen as they are. Implicit here is that to be truly seen means to be accepted. Accepted as they are, with no need to be any different, right now.

If I recall correctly, Tolle spoke even of a flower or animal, and certainly of us. Where ‘longing’ can be taken symbolically, allegorically, poetically, if not quite literally.

Recently, I was lucky enough to receive several testimonies in a row from friends that indicated that they had noticed, seen and appreciated some aspects of me or my behavior that I had assumed had been invisible. By chance I was blessed to within a few days hear several of these from different sources and felt how deeply, how pleasantly surprised I felt, how … expanded.

This embraced, expanded sense is something I keep in mind as what I’d most like to extend to those who lay on my table for a bodywork session. It has been something that has deeply informed my bodywork. And it’s one of the main aspects of touch that I wish to transmit in my training course Beyond Touch: how to transmit this quality of Being With; to say through touch: ‘You are seen and accepted as you are right now.’

We can reflect on how exceedingly rare such moments are. Often touch can be about fixing, or taking, or giving, or working, or being worked on. Or it can be hesitant, reluctant, functional, directed or half-hearted. At its best it might come in the form of a confidently shared, long hug. And yet, and yet, when such touch asks for nothing more in return, when it accompanies being seen with the eyes as well, when it implies without words that deep listening is happening, then this, this is the space where larger scale healing can take place.

Being seen through touch. I believe attuned touch to be the highest form of seeing and listening to another human that we can offer. Big words, I know. And I’m happy to be politely debated with by nondualists, but I’ll stand at least by the notion that wordless, touch based communication can reach places and depths of knowing that the mind and its mouthpiece cannot.

Combining traditional attuned listening with the somatic kind is an especially powerful stroke of magic. It took me years to finally ‘get’ just how powerful this combo is. I would spend countless hours engaged in long, deep talks with friends while casually massaging their feet or arms, and marveled at how they never seemed to want it to end, how conversation naturally deepened. And noted that rare, special look on their faces when they left. Calmed, happy, settled. Somehow standing more assuredly. This is the gift we give when we truly see, truly listen.
And I’d like to think that they eventually pass this onwards as well.

Touch is the sense that gives us a feeling of being human. Alive. It’s the only sense without which we absolutely could not survive. All others could go, but without touch - we can barely comprehend what that would be even be. It’s what makes us feel part of the world around us. Welcome touch makes us feel that the outside world welcomes us. A touch - more than a glance, more than a ‘hmmm’ which indicates ‘I heard you,’ more than thumbs up emoji even - tells us very powerfully that we are being recognised. 

I sometimes wonder if there is any topic I am deeply interested about which David Whyte has not written. Here is his reflection on this exact theme…

SECOND SIGHT

By David Whyte

Sometimes, you need the ocean light,
and colours you’ve never seen before
painted through an evening sky.

Sometimes you need your God
to be a simple invitation
not a telling word of wisdom.

Sometimes you need only the first shyness
that comes from being shown things
far beyond your understanding,
so that you can fly and become free
by being still and by being still here.

And then there are times you want to be
brought to ground by touch
and touch alone.

To know those arms around you
and to make your home in the world
just by being wanted.

To see eyes looking back at you,
as eyes should see you at last,
seeing you, as you always wanted to be seen,
seeing you, as you yourself
had always wanted to see the world.

UPCOMING EVENTS

I’m purposefully reducing the events-load this year vs the amazing joy and craziness of 2025. Still available for bodywork sessions!

Beyond Touch, a 3-Day training course for those interested in deepening their touch. Amsterdam October 17-19. More info: https://hipsy.nl/event/125088-beyond-touch-with-steve-kokker-17-19-october-2025

Beyond Touch 2.0 - also planned for Belgium in March 2026.

MUSICAL CORNER

50 Years Ago… What was the world listening to

Economically difficult times in North America and in parts of Europe in 1975. But compared to today’s uncertainties and global worries, a relative walk in the park. And the music reflected a general sense of being connected to What Matters - be that in the simple pleasures of dancing and moving or in a letting lose into freeform improv, or considering how to reflect about deep subjects after the era of hippies and when pop was starting to be a Mega industry. This was a stellar year for classic releases in many musical forms - it was peak year for jazz-funk-fusion, a happy-exciting time of the earliest disco before it went stratospheric, a great year for stadium rock - and wow, soooo much heart and soul. Not to mention reverence for what is largely absent in modern pop - an interest in melody, song construction and natural vocal aesthetics. Enjoy this retro dive (yeah, another mega playlist, sorry, take a weekend for it!), arranged more or less in order of preference. I can say I still really love the first 100 releases (about the first 140 tracks here!)

Playlist link:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0bEF0qKzN9YslZdfUxozC7?si=a0e26ae46f9f46b4

1975, Best Of Top 25 (of 135)

1 Modern Times LP - Al Stewart
2 12 O’Clock - Vangelis
3 Fleetwood Mac LP - Fleetwood Mac
4 Main Course LP - Bee Gees
5 Dream Weaver LP - Gary Wright
6 Listen To What The Man Said - Paul McCartney & Wings
7 Looking Out For #1 - Bachman Turner Overdrive
8 Sara Smile - Hall & Oates
9 What The Hell I Got - Michel Pagliaro
10 I’m Not In Love - 10CC
11 Picnic At Hanging Rock soundtrack - Zamphir
12 Dreamboat Annie LP - Heart
13 Fame - David Bowie
14 The Hissing of Summer Lawns LP - Joni Mitchell
15 Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John
16 Miracles - Jefferson Starship
17 Still Crazy After All These Years LP - Paul Simon
18 SOS - ABBA
19 Philadelphia Freedom - Elton John
20 It Only Takes A Minute - Tavares
21 Why Can’t We Be Friends? LP - War
22 I Got The - Labi Siffre
23 I Wouldn’t Want to Lose Your Love - April Wine
24 I Only Have Eyes For You - Art Garfunkel
25 Adventures In Paradise LP - Minnie Ripperton